Little People, Big Feelings — 7 Ways to Help Your Child Process Emotions

Children have lots of emotions and sometimes those emotions get in the way of what we adults want to be doing and what the children want to be doing.

We all know about temper tantrums and the “terrible two’s.” And as adults, we often try to hamper those emotions. Our child is tired and starts screaming when having to brush their teeth before bed. We’re tired, so we scream back as opposed to calming them down. We should be calming them down by acknowledging their feelings instead of rationalizing that if they only hurried up and brushed their teeth they’d be in bed so much quicker, so why don’t they stop being silly? But they’re not being silly—they’re tired and feel overwhelmed by having to do something.

So let’s go over a few easy ways that we can help your child process their emotions and start making your days go a little more smoothly!

Ways to Help Your Child Process Emotions

1. Don’t Rationalize

No, it doesn’t make sense that your child is screaming bloody murder for not being allowed to wear their boots on a hot summer’s day. But getting angry about it and dismissing their feelings won’t help either.  

Here’s the deal—while you do have to explain to them why they can’t wear the boots, you don’t want to do it angrily. “You can’t wear them, it’s too hot, stop being silly, let’s go.” That’s a normal response. But likely they don’t “get” the hot bit. So explain. Calmly. And give them something they do want.  

For example:

“No, we can’t wear those boots, honey, because it’s really hot. You would feel horrible after only a couple of minutes wearing them because your feet would get all sweaty and icky and hot. That’s not nice, is it?” (Try to get them to acknowledge it’s not nice.) “But I tell you what, why don’t you pick one pair of your sandals? If you do that, I can let you wear the boots when we get home!”  

Here’s a key thing:

You get excited about what you want them to get excited about. They will feel your emotions. This is why getting angry is a no-no because a) it will make your child oppose you and b) it will make them feed off your anger. 

By shifting the attention to something your child wants and getting excited about it, you’re much more likely to shift their mood and get them in a positive state of mind.  

For more tips and tricks when it comes to defiant children, check out Alan Kazdin—head of the Yale Parenting School. He is an expert on using psychology and positive reinforcement to help both normal and troubled children. One read of How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie will teach you a similar lesson, but Kazdin is an expert and his books are wonderful. You can also find his course for free on Coursera.  

2. Acknowledge Their Feelings

Is your child super scared of non-existing spiders under the bed? Again, telling them (angrily) that there are no spiders, isn’t going to help.  

Saying, “Oh dear, why do you think there are spiders under the bed?” might get you a better response. Then, dressing up as a “spider agent” and doing a funny scene where you crawl under the bed with a flashlight to ensure there are no spiders, likely will get you a great response. You might even want to check every other nook and cranny of the bedroom just to be on the safe side.  

Chances are, your child is scared of being alone in the dark, not of spiders. So after you acknowledge their feelings and ensure there are no spiders, you can ask them again if they’re afraid and if so of what? Sit with them till they fall asleep, but also explain (with the help of a flashlight) that nothing is hiding in the dark.  

Bear in mind that if you’ve separated from your spouse, or something “bad” has happened recently, they may simply be afraid of that, not spiders. And you have to acknowledge other emotions than fear—anger, sadness, etc. even if it seems blown out of proportion or completely out of context to what is happening. Acknowledge first, deal with it second.

As in the example above the park, also ties it into something positive. “I bet you can check for spiders just like mommy/daddy. You are a big boy/girl! If you can do that by yourself and then sleep the whole night in your bed, I’ll give you a gift in the morning. How about we try that tomorrow when you go to bed?”

With Good Behavior

Awarding good behavior (and stating exactly what that behavior is), helps a child develop those habits. Just like you won’t work for free, children need incentives to do things until they become habits. Getting a toy (such as a balloon, something from the $1 store, etc.) or 10 minutes of playing with mommy/daddy every time after pooping in the toilet can make your child go from pooping everywhere to only pooping in the toilet within days.  

3. Habits Can Calm Anxious Minds

Kids on the spectrum, as well as anxious children, often do well with picture schedules—images that they can see that outline the activities for the day. Other children, such as those with PDA or ODD, might need to feel in charge instead and choose from different images of what they want to do next.

You can have set activities for the day, but your child can arrange them in the order they want, for example, or choose between doing activity A or activity B right now. When they feel in control, they become less anxious, just as when other kids know what’s going to happen throughout the day, they feel less anxious.  

In general, having routines for breakfast, bedtime, etc. helps kids settle into doing certain things.

4. Recognizing Emotions

Some children struggle to understand and recognize their own and other people’s emotions. There are plenty of games for phones and tablets that can help with this (many specially designed for those on the autism spectrum, but great for other kids too).  

You can also look for books—both on online libraries like Scribd and online shops like Kindle and regular libraries and bookstores—that explain emotions to children.  

Again, having images your child can look at can also work wonders. By putting happy, sad, excited, etc. faces on the wall, your child can point to them to explain how they are feeling and how you are feeling.  

You can also help by talking about emotions and how they are expressed. For example, your child might pinch you to get attention when they get frustrated you’re cooking instead of playing with them. Sitting down and explaining that you understand they’re frustrated and that you will play with them soon if they only ask for it, can work wonders. If they can’t grasp time yet, help them by setting a timer—tell them when the timer goes off, and you’ll play with them.  

As explained further down, you need to model these behaviors—if they always pinch, show them how to ask and act it out several times so they get into the habit of doing it.  

5. Activities to Calm Down

If you see your child is starting to get hyper, try to do something to calm them down such as sitting down with them to blow bubbles or reading a book.  

If your child is already starting to act out, telling them to just stop likely won’t get you far. You need to shift their attention to doing something else. Such as playing a game of soccer with you, or checking out the funny bird that just lands on the roof—gets them excited. You need to get them fully engaged in another activity. If your child is emotional, calming their nerves can be done with various activities.

For example:

Deep breathing is a great way to slowly calm down and come back to the moment. You can find breathing techniques for children just by searching Google or looking at this site—such as breathing in and out following the outline of a star (each line signifies a breath in or out). You can also blow bubbles, or blow bubbles using a straw in a glass of water. Another funky thing is to blow in a straw and keep a ping pong ball floating in the air it!  

Counting to ten slowly is another way that lets your child take a moment to think before reacting. If they are lashing out at someone else—be sure to again acknowledge their anger, then ask them what they can do to express it. Such as telling you, a teacher, or the other person why they are angry.   

If a behavior caused by emotions is a problem, you can try acting it out and changing it (modeling). For example, if your child hits, kicks, and goes into a temper whenever someone takes a toy from them, you can tell the child that you will pretend to take a toy from them and they can scream and stomp their feet, but not kick. You tell them that if they act this out, you will reward them. You do this a couple of times throughout the day. This anchors the new behavior. Again, refer to Alan Kazdin for more on modeling.  

You can also try to engage your child’s senses in things they enjoy—such as having a calm down kit with a nice smelling hand lotion, a coloring-in book, play dough, etc. that they can open and play with when they get upset.  

6. Make Sure Your Child Is Stimulated

With lockdowns and quarantines, lots of kids get frustrated spending too much time by themselves or spending too much time in one location. This can lead to a lot of emotions coming out.  

To ensure your child’s stimulation, try to mix up activities—ensure they get to run around, exercise, and expend energy, first of all.  

Secondly, allow them to be social—even if it’s meeting friends online on Zoom. you can even have Zoom on in the background as they’re playing.  

Lastly, keep their minds engaged with arts and crafts, learning, online games, offline puzzles, scavenger hunts, fun science experiments, building things, etc. Get as many educational toys as you can or check out our line of Role Play toys here! However, also set time aside for free play when they get to use their imagination to come up with fun things for themselves.  

Note that all children need to play outside—even during the lockdown. Try to get into nature, or go for walks around town to let them catch some rays of sun (vitamin D) and wear themselves out physically.  

7. Keep a Healthy Diet

The wrong diet will cause havoc with brain chemistry, thus creating a very moody child. A diet consisting of whole foods (i.e. real foods—not preservatives, colorants, flavorings, nor any processed foods such as refined sugars and white flour) will work wonders. Some families have also found that removing dairy and gluten helps.  

While processed foods once a week can be a treat, avoid them on a day-to-day basis and ensure your child eats at regular intervals to prevent dips and spikes in blood sugar.